Who says? You? Oh.... you!! That’s right, you know.....

Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Who says? You? Oh.... you!! That’s right, you know.....
Current mood: weird
I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. And frankly, I haven’t used that time properly. It hasn’t been good thoughts, I mean like happy thoughts. Well, not even that. I guess I just have weird things on my mind. I’ve been thinking about how things have slowed down for me. I am in the hurry up and wait process. But, I don’t feel like I have had to go through, physically, what some have. All I had was surgery. Now, if I hadn’t had the major surgery, I would have had to go through radiation and chemo. But why do I feel like it’s just another surgery? It’s not, I have no breasts. None. No nipple, no areola. Nothing. My stomach sticks out further than my chest for the first time since puberty. And as a women that sucks. It was more than "just surgery". It was a DOUBLE MASTECTOMY!! But I read about what other women have and are going through and I don’t feel like I have had the same thing. Is it me or do they want more attention with it. Or are they really having that much of a problem. Now, I know that people have different ways of dealing with things. But why do some people need that kind of attention. Am I aloud to say that about people that are going through the same thing I am? Are they going through the same thing I am? I mean, really. Am I being to tough, or are they being to pathetic? Is that harsh? I just don’t understand why sometimes people don’t put themselves in other peoples shoes. Do I really deserve to out and out ask for support from people that have their own lives and families. Especially when I KNOW I am doing fine. I just feel like I am not giving the same reactions about this as some. Maybe I’m just way to ready to move on from this. Was I needing the sympathy or uplifting in the beginning and I just don’t remember asking for it so much? I’m confused and I’m sure I’ve confused you too. What happens when people start to think those that are asking for too much are crying wolf? What do they do then? Are they crying wolf? Again, am I being to harsh? Trust me, I do wish there was an easier way to get through this without freakin’ out and needing to be sedated. Or heavily medicated. I just don’t understand what makes them so much worse off. They are alive and kickin’. Aren’t they? I guess I have no room to talk being I haven’t and thankfully won’t have to go through radiation or chemotherapy. But does that make me "less" of a survivor? That doesn’t even make any sense. But just because I feel like it’s just another surgery, am I supposed to keep it on the down low that I am still a breast cancer survivor? Or am I aloud to shout it from the roof tops? Even though I haven’t suffered through all the medications for cancer treatment? Is that fair? I know I have "made it through" a lot in my life of 32 years, and I know that I have a great outlook on what my future "WILL" entail. Why can’t everyone else be that same way? I know they may not be as "strong" as I am, but why don’t they try to be. I just can’t imagine feeling like that. I am blessed to have the spirit I have to get through so much in my life. I hope that I can pass that on to my girls and spread it to my friends and family. You know, I guess I know what I’m talking about....... is that all that matters?