Well, ok then..........

Thursday, January 31, 2008
Well, ok then.....
Current mood: selective
Yep, that's what I said.....it's ok....then.....
Had my dr's appt. today. I have mixed emotions. He said that my left side is completely healed. He said the right side is very close. And he said I don't have to put bandages on anymore!! Now that's all exciting...very!!!! The other part is, he said now I will start feeling the pain all over again. With the injections, and movement of the expanders. I go back in 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS!!! THAT"S AWESOME!!
So I talked to Veronica, the nurse that does the injections. She said that we will start in 3 weeks (Feb 21, 2008) doing injections of 100 cc's. She said that would be better to start with the larger amount because I still have numbness and I will feel better once there is some inflation of the expanders. But, then she said, the closer to the end of injections is when it will hurt. She said we will see how my "skin" is before we continue to do 100 cc's. That way if we do the 100 cc's, then it won't take as long to do ALL the injections. It's a long process and it will be subject to change. AND... after we are done with the injections, it will be 3 weeks and then surgery again.
One thing that stinks about this.... after March 5, I have to start paying my co-pays again. That $40 a week for as long as I do injections!!! Holy.....$$$$. I know I'll meet my deductable again this year. Ha!
I'm just glad I have insurance.

Whoa! That was close.....I almost lost it.....

Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Whoa! That was close.....I almost lost it.....
Current mood: good
What a better morning....so far....well it's after noon now, so the morning was good!! Now I have to get through the afternoon and evening.
I have been just feeling blah. I don't have much energy today. I just don't feel like it. I physically feel fine. It's how I feel emotionally. I really have no emotion. It's not scary, it's weird. I should get out and do something...I don't feel like it. This can't last forever, right? I guess I have to take it slow like everyone says. I guess I have to rest....a lot....like everyone says. I want to blame this feeling on something else, like the weather, rather than my meds or my condition. I'm tired of this.....how many times have I said that??? Too many.
Well, I do feel better. Today. It was close......but now I'll just take another nap. Again.

More and More.....

Tuesday, January 29, 2008
More and More....
Current mood: cranky
I'm not sure what it's gonna take, but I am sure, today, I don't got it. You know regardless of what you go through, some one else, some where else, is going through something worse. I mean, really. What's the worse that could happen, you die? Who said that was a bad thing? No, I'm not talkin' suicide. I'm talkin' life. I got to thinkin' and I really have been strong, so I've been told, but I think about those women that have gone through so much more than me. I am young, yes. I have had a few scares in my life. For my own life. But, I AM ALIVE! And truthfully, I couldn't be healthier. Or happier for that matter. I have said it before and I'll say it forever, I am blessed. I am watched over and protected in many ways, but if something were to happen that I had to leave the face of the Earth, I know I would go in peace. Peace of mind that my girls are going to be taken care of. Their Daddy is here. Peace of mind that my husband will be taken care of. His girls are here. And I would be at peace knowing that I did what I am supposed to do as a mom and that is love my children. And what I am supposed to do as a wife and that is to love my husband. I know that I shared with them all that strength is in numbers. I couldn't have gotten through what I call "tough times" without their strength. I know in my heart that my girls will grow up knowing how to take care of themselves and their bodies. They will know what to look for in their lives. And they will do with strength. And each other. The more and more I think about it, the more I just know.
But today sucked and I don't feel good. It's just one of those days!!
Muah!!

Are you ready for this??

Monday, January 28, 2008
Are you ready for this???
Current mood: focused
Ok, today I have done some laundry. This weekend we hosted Kayla's birthday party. She had 5 girls sleep over. I went to church yesterday after the girls were all taken home. I can't believe I am still going. I slept good last night with the help of HALF an Ambien. I put up some decorations in the kitchen this morning and still have a few more to put up. They look good. I go to the dr on Thursday. I'll let you know.........I'm not ready for that!!

Now what?

Friday, January 25, 2008
Now what?
Current mood: moody
Ok, it's time to complain. I am so done with this. I can't sleep without being medicated. And when I am medicated I still don't sleep IN! It's only then that I feel rested. I'm starting to feel sore on my left side. Now, it could be from two things and two things only. 1 - I feel too good and am doing to much for my condition, or B - Those expanders inside are just in the way and are bruising me up inside!! I'm certain it's the latter. Ha! I feel good, but at days end I am beat. And in the mornings I'm sore.....and I'm not getting any actions either time!!!! I'm about ready to go into hiding and stay there......I suppose I could have done that already, thankfully, I have so many crazy friends that wouldn't let me do that.... they like to see my really great HAIR!!! So now what? I just have mixed emotions on how to recover. I can't do it standing still, that's for sure!! I have a lot more to go through and wish it was over.....time will not move as fast when you want it to. DANG IT!!

What a journey....

Wednesday, January 23, 2008
What a journey....
Current mood: blessed
Here I am. Resting. Still not being able to do a lot. At least no lifting, so laundry and vacuuming are out. But we all knew that. But let me just tell you ....... I have not taken a pain medicine in 5....count 'em.... 1 2 3 4 5 ...yep 5 DAYS!! AND... no sleeping aids in 3 days. I am doing good. I have yet to think I'm in the clear. I should start expansion soon, that is gonna hurt. I feel good about this whole proscess so far. I know it's been long and boring, well...up and down. But, I have been, all and all, in good spirits about it. I have to be, I have two girls that need to see the strong and healthy mom. My friends need to know that I am going to be ok. My family needs to know I can get through this. And. I have. I have two more surgeries yet to go this year so I will start all over again. But I must say emotionally I feel like I have had the best support system ever. Which is so important. That is what has gotten me through a lot of this ordeal. It's great to know that I have friends and family that have been honest in their love for me all my life because they have still been here for me when I needed them most. I love you guys. I love your compassion. You have to know that I love you.
I feel like it might be just the same info for the next week or so. Who knows. Every time I go to the dr something new comes from it, in a lot of ways.

Well for now....

Friday, January 18, 2008
Well for now.....
Current mood: fabulous
So I feel good. I feel so good that I got up this morning, got dressed in JEANS, did my hair, and PUT ON MAKE UP!! That has to be good, right?? I know it makes since to me. It felt good to put make up on!! Now, let's see if I can keep this going....... I'll let you know.
PS. No pain meds today or sleeping pills last night! I love it!! I feel great!!!!!!

Now we're talkin'!!

Thursday, January 17, 2008
Now we’re talkin’!!
Current mood: chipper
Had my dr appt this morning. Yep. Don't have to go back to him for TWO WEEKS!!!!!! WOOooo HOOOOooo!! Yes, I'm excited. Two weeks. That means he is happy with the way things are healing and I'm doing my part right!! Yes! He said that as soon as it heals completely we will start the saline injections. I talked to the nurse that will do the injections.. She gave us an estimate of 650cc would be a full "B" cup. Now that is because I have NO BREAST TISSUE!! So the implants will make up all the space. And she said on average it is 150cc's per cup size after that. So 800cc's would be a full "C" cup. That's the plan for me, a "C" cup. 800 cc's is SIXTEEN WEEKS!! That's 4 months!!!!!!!! Every week haveing saline injections of 50 cc's each week. OMG! That's almost forever....sort of. Good thing is, surgery will be in the summertime. That's a relief. I have kids to get to school and summer is just easier. Just having this information and the relief of not having to go back for two weeks, makes me feel better today.
Last night was hard. I have my bad days but this one was ....well. Not good. I couldn't stop crying and Raymond was getting frustrated with me. Not in a bad way, I just didn't want to take my meds earlier in the evening and it caught up with me. I am so afraid of using the pain meds for no reason and it's obvious that I still need it. Which just now reminded me that I need to call my dr for a refill. Different dr. I am on medicine for almost every aspect of life. Blood pressure and cholestrol meds so I don't have a heart attack or stroke. Meds so I'm not an emotional wreck or mean. That one works good. Meds for post menapause, except without hormones. For Hot flashes and night sweats, for libido, to not be in pain and to sleep. Grossly, I am even taking something for constipation! HA!! - you wanted to know that face it. I am ready to stop taking all this crap - ha- but I will be on some of this for the rest of my life. And that sucks! It's great that I have these options but, it's rediculous what I am taking. I'm tired of being tired. I do try to get up and do stuff, straightening up the parts of the house that everyone sees, but I can't lift anything, so I don't get to do much. I mean, I got out of the car today and used my elbow on my LEFT side to close the door, not thinking, and it sent pain across my chest. I shouldn't have done that cuz I am still sore and that was more than an hour ago. But I do want to let you all know that, my husband is so great, well, you knew that but, he is paying for a house cleaner!!! She came in on Tuesday and cleaned my house!! She even did my dishes! I love her!! She is so sweet and is good. She will only come every two weeks, but that is good enough for me. Anyway, no more gifts for him, I have to pay for me now. Hehe!!
Ok, I'm done rambling. But....look for me to do it again. Of course..........

For how long?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008
For how long?
Current mood: bored
Ok, I have been changing the bandages and keepin' it clean. And frankly, this sucks. I don't want to do this anymore. The problem is......I'll be doing this for a while. Months. Stupid!!
I have been moving around much better. I sure sleep a lot. I am so tired. I think its because I don't do anything but sit around. That's nice and all, but... I, it's just dumb!! I don't have any energy to do anything. Oh BTW... my cleaning lady came yesterday! Love her! My house is clean. At least the lower floor. She will do the upstairs next week. I don't care, my room was clean and she did my dishes!!! Yahoo!!! A clean house always makes me feel better.
I go to the dr tomorrow. Again. I know he's going to say, "looks great, see you in a week". That's all he says. I'll prove it. Tomorrow.

OOOooooh!! Guess what I got???

Sunday, January 13, 2008
OOOoooh!! Guess what I got???
Current mood: blissful
You guessed it.....a cherry DR PEPPER!!!!! YUM!!!

Because he loves me~~

Saturday, January 12, 2008
Because he loves me!

Current mood: adored
I have never doubted Raymond's love for me. I know he has never doubted how much I love him. I have never been a tattoo fan. I'm sorry, but it's "white trash"!! And Raymond is covered in them. He's gotten them all even while we have been together. Shows how much I really hate them right? As he is in Tennesee this weekend, he went to John to get this tattoo. Now, I will NOT allow Raymond to tattoo my name on him. He has the girls names but NOT mine. At first, I felt like this was the same difference. But after seeing this and knowing that he and John put their hearts into it, I LOVE IT!! He sent this picture to me with the words "here it is, all for you. I love you!!!" How can I not love him? He has always been my hero. He is what every husband should strive to be. He is an example for every father. I love him. For more than 15 years now, I love him. I can't say it enough. I love him.

I did it!! I did it!!

Saturday January 12, 2008
I did it! I did it!
Current mood: nervous
OMG! I finally did it. I actually did it! I packed my own wounds (as the dr would say). And he would be proud of me. I was so afraid to do anything with it and afraid it would hurt. Nope. I did it! I did it! And it didn't hurt. I called Raymond right away. I am just so excited. Now maybe it won't get infected and it will heal right. Wow what a relief. Now let's just see if I can do it again tonight! Wish me luck!!

I can't.......

Friday, January 11, 2008
I can’t....
Current mood: weird
I couldn't do it. It made my stomach turn! I pulled out the gauze that the dr put in there and it was gross! AND, it was way up in there. The problem is that I can't see it. So, I can't. The dr says it's ok to just leave it as it is for a few days and then go back in or when Raymond gets home he can fix it. This sounds weird huh? I just hope it will be ok for 3 days. It's just gross.

What the.........?

Thursday, January 10, 2008
What the......?
Current mood: nauseated
As crazy as it sounds, it is. I went to the dr today and it was another beating!! NOW, I have to put a different dressing on my right side since it is healing differently. So I asked the Dr "is is going to hurt?" And he replies "No, it's not going to hurt me at all, but thanks for asking." Can you believe that guy???!!! Of course it's not gonna hurt him!!!! Duh! Well, it didn't hurt, but it was gross. I have to put gauze INSIDE the whole to "help it heal" what ever that means. I don't get it. The problem I have is....Raymond is in Nashville and my dr friend Lance is going to Thatcher this weekend. So I have to do it myself. It made me nausish(?) watching the dr put it in there.....grossssssssssssss! I have to do this TWICE A DAY!!!!! AAAHHAHHHAAAAAAHHHH!!! That's me screaming. I'll let you know if it is really that bad. Probably not. But I can always try for MORE sympathy. J/K Not really.

Oh, not today......

Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Oh, not today.....
Current mood: uncomfortable
I just don't feel good. That new medicine makes me dizzy. My chest hurts. I have a headache cuz Raymond won't go buy me a soda. He thinks we should get healthy and stop drinking soda. He's crazy. I need my caffiene. If any one comes to visit.... BRING ME A DIET DR PEPPER PLEEEEEEAAASEEE!!!!!! With a splash of cherry ! It's really been a week for me, I just can't get comfortable. But let me just say this...I have GREAT hair!! Ah HHHAAAAAHHHAAAHHAAHHHAAA!!! < That's me laughing...get it?!

It's all in the hair........

Tuesday, January 08, 2008
It’s all in the hair.......
Current mood: fabulous
Ok, so I told my "hair girl" that I have a hard time washing my hair because I can't raise my arms for too long. Well, I can't pluck my eye brows either....no they were not that bushy but they were uneven! HA! But my girl came through for me once again! I called, well actually, I text her...and asked if she could wash my hair and wax my eye brows.....and she did it. But the funny thing is....I have to call my husband's Grandmother and tell her that I get my hair done every week too! I got set up to have my hair done every week. I really just need to have it washed really good. I can wash it, it's hard, but I can do it. But why wouldn't have her do it for me and then she will style it too. I love it!! This means so much to me. I feel so good having my hair done and my eye brows done...OMG!! You know how good you feel when your hair is done? Yep, you do. It's all in the hair.... Love you Melissa! Thank you so much! Muah!!

Well, we'll see.......

Monday, January 07, 2008
Well, we’ll see....
Current mood: bitchy
We'll see if this works. I got my new meds today and I have to start taking it tonight. HOpefully, Hopefully....it works. A lot of my discomfort is hot flashes. It's so stupid that I have to have these. Menopause bites! Oh well, nothing I can do about it now. So we will see how this interacts with my other meds. Pain meds, blood pressure meds, cholestorol meds, crazy women meds. The girls call it my "mean mom medicine". Nice huh?!! I suppose it's better than abusing them or killing Raymond! HA!

Alright already.... geezzzzzz

Saturday, January 05, 2008
Alright already...geezzzz
Current mood: hot
Man, up and down, back and forth. I'm talking about my emotions and pain. This bites!!!! I feel good, then I'm a wreck all in 30 minutes. Ya know, they told me this would happen. I should start listening to people when they say they know from experience. GEEEZZZZZ! I think I mentioned this before but I have to take meds for hot flashes and it just isn't working. Well, thank goodness, my dr. called in a new script and I start it tonight! Yahoo!! Let's pray that this works for me. I am mostly uncomfortable because of the hot flashes. It's hard to explain......anyway, let's just hope it works. I'll keep you posted. My mom, dad and sister are coming over tonight. My partents are taking the girls to the basketball game. That's what we got my parents for Christmas, as long as they took the girls!! Sneaky way to get a night without them. Boy am I ready for them to go back to school. My sister is just coming over to visit me. Love them!

HOLY CRAP!!!!

Thursday, January 03, 2008
HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!
Current mood: giddy
Ok, exaggeration, I'm sure, but OMG!! I went to the dr today and he removed the stitches. BLAHHHHHHHHHH! He dug around inside there. The crazy thing is....I couldn't even feel it!! Just pressure. Crazy!! He even lifted the skin and looked inside. I KNOW, GROSS!! He had to make sure that the expander is under the muscle. It totally creeped me out!! Now, if you can picture it, the purse string stitch is actually a whole. OMG it's gross!! LOL I can't believe it didn't hurt either. Just strange. He said that now, it will heal faster and better. After he just cut it all up!! It's hard to understand when you can't see it, I know, but I just have to put this in writing. I mean, like totally!! I think I'm just giddy because it didn't hurt!! Weird......

Oh Yeah, see......

Thursday January 3, 2008
Oh yeah, see....
Current mood: accomplished
All I needed was that special little pill. Say hello to my little friend - Ambien!!! I finally slept good too. I only had to take one pain med and one ambien and I was out like a light! Love it! Oh no. what am I going to do when I run out of that?????!!!!!!????? OOOoo no worries, I'm friends with my doctor. I have the hook up....I hope?! I was able to get up early this morning and stretch out and get the blood flowin' and then.....I went back to sleep! It was awesome. And comfortable!! Nice...I think it might be a nice day....pray for it with me would ya.......Maybe we can both have a good day!!

A long time ago......

Wednesday, January 02, 2008
A long time ago.....
Current mood: exhausted
Did someone tell you that you can get "addicted" to sleeping pills? I heard it, I just didn't believe it until now. Yesterday seems like it was a long time ago. I have been up without sleeping comfortably since .... I don't know. I am ut of ambien and advil pm. I have gone crazy in one day!!! My prescription is waiting at the pharmacy. No worries, Raymond WILL pick it up today. They were closed yesterday. I will not have another sleepless night!! I cannot do that again. I don't care if I get "addicted" or it becomes "habit forming". I have to sleep....comfortably. I am a side sleeper and I can't do that. So getting comfortable is hard to do. I will say, I am not as sore today since I moved around ALL DANG NIGHT!! I would rather sleep though. I'm exhausted and I haven't even done anything......at all. I'm here on the computer!!! I just hope for a better night sleep. It makes a difference in my next day. Don't you think?

Had a bad day??

Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Had a bad day??
Current mood: annoyed
They told me that I would have bad days. Hopefully they will be this good. I have to take so many medications, it bothers me. And last night, I let loose. I cried for silly reasons. I can't do any thing. I can't pick up things. It hurts to lean over. So, needless to say, my house is a disaster. The girls can only do so much and Raymond is busy in his own job. I can't handle it. I can't have guests cuz it's embarrassing for them to see my house. Even though I know they know I can't do anything but my husband and kids can. It drives me crazy that I get all worked up over it. I'm just gonna hire someone to come in every other week to clean my house. Anyone interested??? You just can't say anything when you see it!!! Oh, I'll get over it soon..........