Who says? You? Oh.... you!! That’s right, you know.....

Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Who says? You? Oh.... you!! That’s right, you know.....
Current mood: weird
I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. And frankly, I haven’t used that time properly. It hasn’t been good thoughts, I mean like happy thoughts. Well, not even that. I guess I just have weird things on my mind. I’ve been thinking about how things have slowed down for me. I am in the hurry up and wait process. But, I don’t feel like I have had to go through, physically, what some have. All I had was surgery. Now, if I hadn’t had the major surgery, I would have had to go through radiation and chemo. But why do I feel like it’s just another surgery? It’s not, I have no breasts. None. No nipple, no areola. Nothing. My stomach sticks out further than my chest for the first time since puberty. And as a women that sucks. It was more than "just surgery". It was a DOUBLE MASTECTOMY!! But I read about what other women have and are going through and I don’t feel like I have had the same thing. Is it me or do they want more attention with it. Or are they really having that much of a problem. Now, I know that people have different ways of dealing with things. But why do some people need that kind of attention. Am I aloud to say that about people that are going through the same thing I am? Are they going through the same thing I am? I mean, really. Am I being to tough, or are they being to pathetic? Is that harsh? I just don’t understand why sometimes people don’t put themselves in other peoples shoes. Do I really deserve to out and out ask for support from people that have their own lives and families. Especially when I KNOW I am doing fine. I just feel like I am not giving the same reactions about this as some. Maybe I’m just way to ready to move on from this. Was I needing the sympathy or uplifting in the beginning and I just don’t remember asking for it so much? I’m confused and I’m sure I’ve confused you too. What happens when people start to think those that are asking for too much are crying wolf? What do they do then? Are they crying wolf? Again, am I being to harsh? Trust me, I do wish there was an easier way to get through this without freakin’ out and needing to be sedated. Or heavily medicated. I just don’t understand what makes them so much worse off. They are alive and kickin’. Aren’t they? I guess I have no room to talk being I haven’t and thankfully won’t have to go through radiation or chemotherapy. But does that make me "less" of a survivor? That doesn’t even make any sense. But just because I feel like it’s just another surgery, am I supposed to keep it on the down low that I am still a breast cancer survivor? Or am I aloud to shout it from the roof tops? Even though I haven’t suffered through all the medications for cancer treatment? Is that fair? I know I have "made it through" a lot in my life of 32 years, and I know that I have a great outlook on what my future "WILL" entail. Why can’t everyone else be that same way? I know they may not be as "strong" as I am, but why don’t they try to be. I just can’t imagine feeling like that. I am blessed to have the spirit I have to get through so much in my life. I hope that I can pass that on to my girls and spread it to my friends and family. You know, I guess I know what I’m talking about....... is that all that matters?

Out on the town.....I don’t think so .....

Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Out on the town.....I don’t think so .....
Current mood: contemplative
This week is spring break and apparently my doctor’s office gets it too. So no injections today. Which sucks cuz now I will be adding a week on the end. DANG! I am so impatient with this, it’s giving me a headache. This weekend is the Banquet for Raymond’s work and it is semi formal. Right. I have to get in a fancy dress. I’m gonna wear a trench coat. Just kidding. I am a little nervous about going to this. Not everyone at his work place knows about me and they shouldn’t. But....As some of you may have seen pics of the last year, Raymond has to be the best dressed. Well, this year, not so much....I’m not ready for that. He has been pretty good about it. It’s probably been hard for him though. Love you! Anyway, this weekend is also Easter, as you all know, so I have that on top of this stupid crap. I will take pictures. I just can’t decide what dress I am going to wear. And should I use my forms or not. I am a AA cup after all!!

We are here to "pump you up"!!!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008
We are here to "pump you up"!!!
Current mood: determined
Ha. If only it were that easy. It sure takes longer than that. I have 10 more weeks to go before I'm at my minimum. GEEEZZZZZ!!!!!! I felt a bit more pressure this time on the right side, but I think I flinched when she stuck the needle in. I can actually cup them now!! That's exciting.....I know, you wanted to know that.....any how, so far so good!! Yahoooooo!!!!

No time to complain....

Monday, March 03, 2008
No time to complain....
Current mood: frustrated
Well, why not?? Yesterday was a long day for me. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I slept most of the day. I stayed home from church. I didn't go to a dinner party we were invited to. And Raymond was mad at me. Oh wait, not mad, "frustrated". Whatever!! I am not allowed to have a day where I just veg out. He said I need to get on different meds or change the dosage. Funny how he knows what I need to do. It's my body and my mind and I don't even know what to do. See, this is why I tell people you can't know what someone is going through unless you have experienced it yourself, all you can do is support that person in their struggles. Ok, again, my husband wasn't listening when I said that. Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I AM allowed to take one day out of I don't know how many and sleep all day, and not get dressed, just stay in my jammies. This is my way of theraputic healling for me. Ha! I don't like to be like that, but it's nice to know that it's ok if those days do happen. Whata jerk. Not a good time to be that way....
Now, things are good. I've gotten up and went to the school today and volunteered, oh and things are great for him. But he won't say anything like "I'M SORRY Kimberly for not being a little more sympathetic", oh no, we won't hear that. And if we do, oh you know I will be posting that!!!!

Ok, Ok ...not what I thought....again....

Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Ok, Ok ...not what I thought....again....
Current mood: animated
I'm on a regular schedule of injections now and I actually have a bit of a cleavage. Veronica told me today that I will be going at least, AT LEAST 13 weeks. I am only going to have 50cc's each week, dr's orders. The only bummer right now is driving over to the office. Traffic sucks. It's downtown. 2nd St and Osborne. For those of you that know what that means, it's crazy to get down there!!
This time with the injection, I did feel a bit of pressure and I'm sure I could taste the saline. I always taste it when I have an IV put in. Gross. I'm sure I will be feeling a lot more later on down the road.

Whoa, what was that?

Thursday, February 21, 2008
Whoa, what was that?
Current mood: weird
So, yep, had that dr's appt today. As I go in dreading every second I have to wait for him to come in the room, I swear I'm going to have a panic attack on the spot. I really worked myself up for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Whoa! What was that? Geezzzzz, I didn't even feel the prick. The nurse, Veronica, put 50cc on each side. That's 2 oz. That's a 1/4 cup of fluid. Didn't feel a dang thing. Until....I got in the car and noticed that the seatbelt fit a little bit different across my chest. They are getting there girls. The girls are on their way back. And we'll all be singin' "She'll be comin' 'round the MOUNTAINS when she comes"!!!! AAHHAAAAAAA! LOL! Actually, I'm thinking pebbles right now. Strangely, I think I can feel a difference on my sides. Like, the little balloon has been aired up just enough to not have any slack in it.
So I had to set up an appointment for next week. On the card she writes: Weds. @ 830 am Weekly. Nothing else. No dates. I guess I go untill I can't take it any more. At this rate, I'll be goin' to the dr for a long, long, long, time. Or more! Geezzzz!!

Ever have one of those days.......????

Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Ever have one of those days......??
Current mood: exhausted
When I got up this morning, I could not keep my eyes open. I just wanted to go back to sleep. Well, I had to get the girls to school, which they were actually on time today, and they were able to get breakfast. Then I committed to taking my mother-in-law to her physical therapy session, so I thought, oh that will wake me up. Getting out of the house and doing something. No, I just wanted to sleep on her couch. Then when I got home, a friend came over and we visited for about an hour. THEN....it was time to go pick up the girls. And here I am. Dinner will need to be made. Then Idol is on. Then the news. Then I will really be tired. Then I will go to bed ..... and toss and turn all friggin' night!!!! AAAAHHHHH!!! I believe I have insomnia. I am just so sleepy.Ever have one of those days???