Why Her?

As sad as it is, a celebrity annouced her battle with breast cancer. They - being the media - made this story and this anouncement a big deal because it is a celebrity. Not that it is not a big deal that anyone is diagnosed with breast cancer. But why do they announce it like it's much more sad that a celebrity gets diagnosed than an "average" soccer mom, or grandmother with 50 grandchildren?? Is it because they are willing to be an advocate for a cure? Is it because they can convince people to get in a get a mammogram? Is it because this celebrity has a story that everyone can relate to?? Well, SO DO I!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am willing to be an advocate...oh wait...I am. I am an ambassador for the Arizona Breast Cancer 3 Day. But you know what? The local (Arizona) media isn't interested cuz I'm not an illegal immagrant, my house isn't in foreclosure, and my story doesn't have anything negative.

I can convince women to get a mammogram at any age!! In fact I have! Many of my friends and family have done just that, gotten a mammogram. Thank goodness.

I have a story that is worth listening to. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 32. I have two young daughters that have to be aware of their chances at an even younger age than I was when I was aware. 21.

Why didn't they announce to the world that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer? Why didn't they make it a big deal and swarm my house with cameras and reporters? Why don't they do that for every women that is diagnosed with breast cancer?

I do realize that if they didn't announce that anyone had breast cancer no one would know anything about breast cancer.

I do want to know everything we - the world - will get out of knowing that that celebrity has breast cancer. She may be an advocate for breast cancer awareness, but I never knew that. Maybe just those in California's Hollywood scene new that. Why didn't they announce that to the world? They announced that she has breast cancer!!

Just wondering - why her?

Give it time to heal...who said that?

Saturday, July 19, 2008
Give it time to heal...who said that?
Current mood: blah
Right.....
I am a mother of two young daughters...thankfully can do things on their own, except drive. Legally.....
I have a husband who is always on the go......somewhere....
I have two beagles that beg for attention...constantly...
I have commitments to school and church....faithfully.....
I have tried to be a listening ear... a shoulder to cry on.....a hand to hold....
Oh wait, hold on....I have a text message......see, I'm busy!
Who said I had to give it time to heal? I don't have that kind of time. You know, I have had 4 surgeries in the last year. My dr said I have been exposed to too much anesthesia. That's why I can't sleep, with out helusinations. I'm cranky, ha, well, ..... I'm tired. I'm bored. I can't do anything. I can't even swim. It's hot here. Raise your hand if you are sure that Arizona is hell on earth in the summer??!! Anyone, oh good, everyone.
I was able to take the bandages off on Sunday (last) and they look good. A little too small. You know I have the largest size implant made that is approved by the FDA. 800cc. In a women with breast tissue that would be like larger than Dolly Parton. Not kidding. I have no breast tissue. I am not even a full b cup. So discouraging. I just am a big girl that has small boobs. Now, I have NEVER had small boobs, so forgive me for complaining about it. They are soft as pillows though. Nice.... And they move. I have to massage them around so that they "settle properly". Right. Nope, that's my job. Raymond CANNOT TOUCH THEM. Just cuz I said. They are BERY BERY tender.
So in about 3 months I will be able to start the reconstruction of the nipple. Problem is, in 3 months it's just before the 3 Day and I have commited to that. So it will probably be the week before Thanksgiving that I get my "nips" back. hehe...
THEN.....they tattoo. I don't know how long after that, but they tattoo. Yep. Long haul. I'm not alone, I know. I have been supported by TONS and TONS of hearts!!
I have about 40 lbs to lose. All that I have gained back since my surgery in Dec. Sucks, I really haven't been able to physically do anything. Walking. But it's toooooooooo hot.
So, starting tomorrow, oh who am I kidding....??...... I don't have the energy to start anything, not even the day.
Oh, I guess I will just give it time to heal.......... &$&( *
Right......

Just not the same....thank goodness

Sunday, July 13, 2008
Just not the same....thank goodness
Current mood: excited
Surgery went well, I guess. I don't remember. Ha. BUT I do know that I went in with rocks and came out with pillows!! They move, they don't hurt, of course I'm still on meds, but....the pain is from surgery not just cuz... I get to take the bandages off today and then can't wear a bra for 30 DAYS!! Weird. It's cool though, I won't be going anywhere that I would need a bra on anyway, hahahahaha!!
Just short and sweet today. I am still a little tired. Don't get the best sleep yet. I'll keep ya posted!! Kisses

So, funny story...

Thursday, July 10, 2008
So, funny story...
Current mood: strong
Or maybe it's not so funny....at least it wasn't in the beginning.... it can be laughed at now. Or made fun of, or joked about. But you know, I'm one of the fortunate ones that has that opportunity. Every once in a while, I will run into a friend that I haven't seen or heard from in a long time and I have to relive my story because they hadn't heard about my diagnoses or they hadn't heard it from me. It's harder than it sounds, to just be able to talk to people about what has happened in your life, when it comes to a life changing and life altering situations. I honestly have to say I have benefitted from telling my "story" every time I tell it. I think about friends of mine that have gone through different treatments and followed different advice, but it all comes back to this: I have cried my eyes out, I have poured my heart out, I have prayed my voice out, I have screamed my head off, I have slept my days away, I have stayed awake all night, I have even zoned out, all for what has happened to me in the last couple years of my life, and all that has happened in one day. But what I know, if anything at all is that I have learned to cry for the right reasons, I have learned to share my love for others, I have learned I can pray for anything, I have learned that dreaming is refreshing, I have learned that I don't want to miss a thing, and I have learned to focus and all the little things. I have learned all of this because I have shared my "story". Now, I want to share my story to help others learn. It's amazing how miracles can come from sheer devastation. I have surgery on Friday, July 11. The expanders will be coming out and I will FINALLY get the implants. I am so uncomfortable. I will have some surgery pain and then, and then, yep.............and then I will be as "normal" as the rest of them. Who, you ask? As "normal" as who? Well, me. Me.

An update...finally...I know....

Monday, June 16, 2008
An update...finally...I know....
Current mood: giddy
It's been a LONG time since I last updated my blog. Sad but true. I have been getting my injections on schedule every Weds morning at 830am. I hate them. Well, I HATED them!! Yes that means that I have had my LAST injection and there are no more! Whoo Hoo. Unless you are having this same treatment, you don't know the pain. And, if you haven't had a previous breast reduction with scar tissue across your chest, you don't even know that pain. The scar tissue tears every time I have injections. All that on top of having the muscle and skin stretched to the limit once a week. MAN, does that hurt!! My last injection was Thursday and I still hurt. Sleeping is the worst. I find a comfortable spot, hope that it will work, get this close to falling asleep and BAM!! One little twitch and the comfort spot is long gone. I can't lay on my side, it's like the rocks won't move. No budging!! If I do end up falling alseep, once I wake up it hurts to move. It's like the pain starts all over. Every morning it's that way. I even prop myself up with pillows - until it's uncomfortable - which isn't for long. BUT....I only have to go through this for a few more weeks and then...YES.. i have never been more excited for surgery. I was excited for my breast reduction. But NOW....I'm excite for my breast augementation! HA! If you gotta look at it in a positive way...my insurance paid for them both!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanted the reduction. I never wanted an augementation. And I sure as hell didn't want it this way. But, OOOOOHHHHhhhh, Raymond is excited. I'm not sure what for......there not his.
ANYWAY!! Surgery is July 11. And I should only be down for 4 weeks. Or less. Let's pray for less. I have had enough of this!! Nipple reconstruction can't be done for at least 3 MONTHS after this surgery. So, that will probably not be until after the first of the year. I've had surgery before the holidays and it was awful. Not gonna do that again unless it's an emergency!!!
So we will get through my birthday and Karley's birthday. 4th of July. We have planned our summer vacation to Disneyland for next week. AND then I will have surgery. You have to understand how mixed my emotions are. I want it done. But it's surgery. Even though I have had enough surgeries in my life, I don't want to do it again, just cuz. Hopefully this discomfort will subside enough to get through until surgery and then hopefully that pain will be short term. Ha, wishful thinkin'!!
So here's to the final stages! Second to last stage anyway. Thank God!!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Finally some action.....sorta
Current mood: weird
Last week was my 12th week of injections. I know, looking back at it, is seems like it went fast, but it hasn't....trust me....
Anyway, so now I have my 650 shot on Thursday. Which at the same time I will finally see the Dr after all this time. Anyway, Veronica says I have met my first goal of 650cc's. So I will have a better idea on when I will have surgery again. I will have the expanders removed and "REAL" implants put in. Then after that I have reconstuctive surgery. I just don't know when all this will happen. I just have to prepare myself for good or bad news. I don't know what will happen, I just know that I am so sore and have at least 4 more treatments left. HOLY!! I'll report back on that too.....

RE: I know.....

Monday, April 28, 2008
RE: I know.....
Current mood: content
I agree in some ways with Liz, if they don't know what has been happening in your or my life, the idea of saying something "off the wall" is forgivable. Now for those that see you on a daily bases. Those that know you well, (so you think). Those that you trust your kids with. My husband with the wife, or vice versa. There is a certain "shame" that they should live with. I have never been more offended by remarks that have no meaning other than to be misleading. Without going into details of what actually was said, I have more remorse for women (and men) that cannot afford services from doctors and clinics because of financial situations. Now, I am a fortunate soul that has the insurance and funding that can be used and has been used to pay for certain services that I need for my disease. But, I also know people who have "had" to be the beneficiary of organizations that collect monies to help these people in need. I have DONATED to these organizations, even prior to having this certain disease. But some people do not see both sides of every story. Even after they have read the ENTIRE book. What's worse is when they turn it into a sob story about why they don't get the same treatment for "NOT" being diagnosed. Liz, I do agree with what you are saying. Sometimes people just don't want to understand. If it is not a part of their lives or families lives, they do not (in so many words) care. Only because they haven't had too. I'm sure people go home at night and wish they hadn't done something, but..... doing it and wishing they hadn't is different from doing it and apologizing for it. I know. Been there, done that.

Ok my dear, There are times when stupidity flows thru the mind and rolls off the tongue. This past weekend in Key West a person from my past showed up to visit for a few. She knew nothing of my last 8 years, nor was I to share. bridges were created in that time lapse. " ohhh I love YOUR PERKY BOOB JOB. At 1rst I thought how **** insensitive of you, but then my heart turned, He opened my eyes to realize that the fear of being affected causes stoop mouth ( my rendition of running off ). She shared she was in touch w/ my ex- and she had "heard " I had something but was unclear ( goooo EX) I hugged her, forgave her & joked, "yeah, mine are perky, but yours have nipples."Forgive the Offense, and you will forgive the Offender. It is very hard, and lip bleeding at times, however I spoke of this to you before, Human Nature,fears not being able to fix those that are broken. Give it up to God EVERY day, He will ease your affliction, and turn their hearts to be receptive to your words of educating those whose ears will embrace. It is a long road we travel, and He puts boulders before us to move, yet we are guided to forge paths off the road to leave trails of wisdom, and promise.He chose US at this time in our lives to stand up for our purpose. Listen to Him, He will never forsake you.A Love that only we could share.... A TIT4TAT.LizBet
Posted by lizbet on Apr 28, 2008 6:39 PM

All I can say is a big AMEN!! I agree, I think they feel for some reason like the just HAVE to say SOMETHING. Unfortunately, what comes out of their mouths ends up sounding hurtful and stupid. I'd much rather you say nothing at all, then something that's going to leave a sour taste in my mouth for the rest of my life.
Posted by Kristy on Apr 28, 2008 5:55 PM

hmmm I think sometimes people feel they need to say something..and they dont know what to say and they say what ever comes to there mind..and sometimes that can be the most insensative thing known to man. When my sister passed some people said the strangest things..some were hurtful..I know they didnt attend for them to be..but, like you said they just didnt know.."they werent educated". Unless you have walked in someones foot steps you just dont know..but, even if you havent been there...you can ask...me personally, I am all ready to tell you exactly what I think..good and bad! And, if you listen you just may learn something..something you can carry with you. I always say compassion is a gift in itself! Great blog Kimmie! Love ya!Love,Me :)xoxo
Posted by Sara♥John:3:16-18 * BC SISTERS ROCK! on Apr 28, 2008 5:25 PM

I know.....

I know.....
Current mood: impatient
As my days have gone by, I have had time to think about a few (really a lot) things. I have friends and family that are compassionate and loving. And I have friends and family that just don't get it. I feel for them. You know, 4 years ago. Raymond was in an accident at work that could have ruined his career. He was in an accident that left him with a broken leg. The dr's had said that they may not be able to fix it. That they may have to amputate his leg. Now the idea of that is horrifying. The pain he was going through was ridiculous. I do not know how he could have gotten through those days. I do not know the pain that he went through for 7 days in the hospital. He had pain that I had never experienced before. I have never broken a bone in my life (knock on wood). I do not know that pain. The same goes for people who have not had a life threatening disease. No matter what stage. No matter what degree. You just don't understand it if you have been affected by it. So for those people, please get yourself educated before you say things that are unneccesary. I have been involved in educating people on the disease that I have had because is has affected my aunt, which inturn affected my mom. I did this before "I" was affected by it. Now, I have been touched by it in all ways.

For time to come.....

Wednesday, April 23, 2008
For time to come.....
Current mood: touched
It's been 8 weeks since I started injections and now it's just hurting...I'm sore. I'm uncomfortable...I feel lazy lately....but..... I'm happy. I don't know if you have watched the video, but this last weekend, I was asked to share my "story" with a group of people who donated to the Susan G. Komen organization in Orange County, CA. I shared a bit of my story and then thanked them for something they may not know they had done. I am alive today because people like them who donated to this organization to help promote healthy living for men AND women. These funds help researchers progress in the cure for this cancer. It also goes in to grants that patients recieve to help them get medical care that they otherwise wouldn't receive. It's important to know that it is hard to make a co-pay every week at $40 a whack. That's my co-pay for a specialist. I am blessed to have a husband that makes a decent wage and HAS INSURANCE!! I am also blessed to have been treated by a doctor that has a heart as big as his wallet. He is not charging me my co-pay. How wonderful is that??!! I have SIXTEEN weeks of injections. That's a lot of money!! Anyway, I appreciate everyone's love and support. Lord knows I need it!! I look forward to spreading my hopes and dreams to others that are willing to hear them. I am glad you have listened. Love you......

Again, ..... that was a close one....I think....

Saturday, April 05, 2008
Again, ..... that was a close one....I think....
Current mood: artistic
So, I had a bit of a scare this last week. I ultimately had to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy because of some unexplained bleeding. Ya know, with breast cancer comes ovarian cancer - I don’t have those- and colon cancer. Which my Aunt has been dealing with for the last 2 years. She’s a survivor for sure. Anyway, dr says things are all clear, no nothing. NADA~ except a hiatal hernia ~ which can be fixed.....by me!! YAY!! No surgery. I just can’t have dairy for 6 weeks - sucks - that’s how I’ve been getting my calcium cuz I always forget to take my calcium pills. Anyway, I am once again blessed to be watched over. I have to back in 5 years to have another exam. They wouldn’t be able to find anything for 5 years anyway. So once again I just have to keep up on my health reports and get in better healthy condition. Which shouldn’t be too hard - We are training for the Breast Cancer 3 Day! Okay so that is where we stand. No worries,.....I will be alright. I have YOU!!!

Not Ready Not Ready Not Ready.....yet..

Thursday, April 03, 2008
Not Ready Not Ready Not Ready.....yet..
Current mood: exhausted
Got my 6th injection yesterday. I am sore. I feel it most this time under my arms. Sleeping is impossible cuz I am uncomfortable. I really have been so tired lately. I am getting enough hours of sleep but not as comfortable sleep as I need. I have to get up a few times in the night to get comfortable. I have my own "other" things that stress me out so that probably doesn’t help. My days are even restless. Naps are out, Raymond calls me too much. I thought he was busy at work. Hmmm... It’s 9am, I need to take a nap. We’ll see if it can happen. I’ll check back........later.....

Who says? You? Oh.... you!! That’s right, you know.....

Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Who says? You? Oh.... you!! That’s right, you know.....
Current mood: weird
I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. And frankly, I haven’t used that time properly. It hasn’t been good thoughts, I mean like happy thoughts. Well, not even that. I guess I just have weird things on my mind. I’ve been thinking about how things have slowed down for me. I am in the hurry up and wait process. But, I don’t feel like I have had to go through, physically, what some have. All I had was surgery. Now, if I hadn’t had the major surgery, I would have had to go through radiation and chemo. But why do I feel like it’s just another surgery? It’s not, I have no breasts. None. No nipple, no areola. Nothing. My stomach sticks out further than my chest for the first time since puberty. And as a women that sucks. It was more than "just surgery". It was a DOUBLE MASTECTOMY!! But I read about what other women have and are going through and I don’t feel like I have had the same thing. Is it me or do they want more attention with it. Or are they really having that much of a problem. Now, I know that people have different ways of dealing with things. But why do some people need that kind of attention. Am I aloud to say that about people that are going through the same thing I am? Are they going through the same thing I am? I mean, really. Am I being to tough, or are they being to pathetic? Is that harsh? I just don’t understand why sometimes people don’t put themselves in other peoples shoes. Do I really deserve to out and out ask for support from people that have their own lives and families. Especially when I KNOW I am doing fine. I just feel like I am not giving the same reactions about this as some. Maybe I’m just way to ready to move on from this. Was I needing the sympathy or uplifting in the beginning and I just don’t remember asking for it so much? I’m confused and I’m sure I’ve confused you too. What happens when people start to think those that are asking for too much are crying wolf? What do they do then? Are they crying wolf? Again, am I being to harsh? Trust me, I do wish there was an easier way to get through this without freakin’ out and needing to be sedated. Or heavily medicated. I just don’t understand what makes them so much worse off. They are alive and kickin’. Aren’t they? I guess I have no room to talk being I haven’t and thankfully won’t have to go through radiation or chemotherapy. But does that make me "less" of a survivor? That doesn’t even make any sense. But just because I feel like it’s just another surgery, am I supposed to keep it on the down low that I am still a breast cancer survivor? Or am I aloud to shout it from the roof tops? Even though I haven’t suffered through all the medications for cancer treatment? Is that fair? I know I have "made it through" a lot in my life of 32 years, and I know that I have a great outlook on what my future "WILL" entail. Why can’t everyone else be that same way? I know they may not be as "strong" as I am, but why don’t they try to be. I just can’t imagine feeling like that. I am blessed to have the spirit I have to get through so much in my life. I hope that I can pass that on to my girls and spread it to my friends and family. You know, I guess I know what I’m talking about....... is that all that matters?

Out on the town.....I don’t think so .....

Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Out on the town.....I don’t think so .....
Current mood: contemplative
This week is spring break and apparently my doctor’s office gets it too. So no injections today. Which sucks cuz now I will be adding a week on the end. DANG! I am so impatient with this, it’s giving me a headache. This weekend is the Banquet for Raymond’s work and it is semi formal. Right. I have to get in a fancy dress. I’m gonna wear a trench coat. Just kidding. I am a little nervous about going to this. Not everyone at his work place knows about me and they shouldn’t. But....As some of you may have seen pics of the last year, Raymond has to be the best dressed. Well, this year, not so much....I’m not ready for that. He has been pretty good about it. It’s probably been hard for him though. Love you! Anyway, this weekend is also Easter, as you all know, so I have that on top of this stupid crap. I will take pictures. I just can’t decide what dress I am going to wear. And should I use my forms or not. I am a AA cup after all!!

We are here to "pump you up"!!!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008
We are here to "pump you up"!!!
Current mood: determined
Ha. If only it were that easy. It sure takes longer than that. I have 10 more weeks to go before I'm at my minimum. GEEEZZZZZ!!!!!! I felt a bit more pressure this time on the right side, but I think I flinched when she stuck the needle in. I can actually cup them now!! That's exciting.....I know, you wanted to know that.....any how, so far so good!! Yahoooooo!!!!

No time to complain....

Monday, March 03, 2008
No time to complain....
Current mood: frustrated
Well, why not?? Yesterday was a long day for me. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I slept most of the day. I stayed home from church. I didn't go to a dinner party we were invited to. And Raymond was mad at me. Oh wait, not mad, "frustrated". Whatever!! I am not allowed to have a day where I just veg out. He said I need to get on different meds or change the dosage. Funny how he knows what I need to do. It's my body and my mind and I don't even know what to do. See, this is why I tell people you can't know what someone is going through unless you have experienced it yourself, all you can do is support that person in their struggles. Ok, again, my husband wasn't listening when I said that. Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I AM allowed to take one day out of I don't know how many and sleep all day, and not get dressed, just stay in my jammies. This is my way of theraputic healling for me. Ha! I don't like to be like that, but it's nice to know that it's ok if those days do happen. Whata jerk. Not a good time to be that way....
Now, things are good. I've gotten up and went to the school today and volunteered, oh and things are great for him. But he won't say anything like "I'M SORRY Kimberly for not being a little more sympathetic", oh no, we won't hear that. And if we do, oh you know I will be posting that!!!!

Ok, Ok ...not what I thought....again....

Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Ok, Ok ...not what I thought....again....
Current mood: animated
I'm on a regular schedule of injections now and I actually have a bit of a cleavage. Veronica told me today that I will be going at least, AT LEAST 13 weeks. I am only going to have 50cc's each week, dr's orders. The only bummer right now is driving over to the office. Traffic sucks. It's downtown. 2nd St and Osborne. For those of you that know what that means, it's crazy to get down there!!
This time with the injection, I did feel a bit of pressure and I'm sure I could taste the saline. I always taste it when I have an IV put in. Gross. I'm sure I will be feeling a lot more later on down the road.

Whoa, what was that?

Thursday, February 21, 2008
Whoa, what was that?
Current mood: weird
So, yep, had that dr's appt today. As I go in dreading every second I have to wait for him to come in the room, I swear I'm going to have a panic attack on the spot. I really worked myself up for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Whoa! What was that? Geezzzzz, I didn't even feel the prick. The nurse, Veronica, put 50cc on each side. That's 2 oz. That's a 1/4 cup of fluid. Didn't feel a dang thing. Until....I got in the car and noticed that the seatbelt fit a little bit different across my chest. They are getting there girls. The girls are on their way back. And we'll all be singin' "She'll be comin' 'round the MOUNTAINS when she comes"!!!! AAHHAAAAAAA! LOL! Actually, I'm thinking pebbles right now. Strangely, I think I can feel a difference on my sides. Like, the little balloon has been aired up just enough to not have any slack in it.
So I had to set up an appointment for next week. On the card she writes: Weds. @ 830 am Weekly. Nothing else. No dates. I guess I go untill I can't take it any more. At this rate, I'll be goin' to the dr for a long, long, long, time. Or more! Geezzzz!!